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#1
12-17-2010
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For Dirty Dan, Zerk, Stoney, and all others that can relate
Diary of a Snow Shoveler
Author unknown December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow! December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life. December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor. December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so. December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all. December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel. December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room. December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying. December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying. December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0o. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying. December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas Carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow. December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her. December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. December 27: Temperature dropped to -30o and the pipes froze. December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!! December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am? December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted. December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling. January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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#2
12-17-2010
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man you really had a fucked up week. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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Meet my little brother Ringo. Mess with him and your ass is gonna get chewed up. Max, aka Shrimp
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#3
12-17-2010
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I told Ruth on Monday I want to move where it's warm. She said no, that she doesn't want to start over. I said I'll come visit during the summer months.
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#4
12-17-2010
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Quote:
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To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. I LOVE TITTIES REMBEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM
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#5
12-17-2010
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Sounds like here.
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To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. aka Suzie
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#6
12-17-2010
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Quote:
Put clean sheets on the bed upstairs for ya. Hope you like flapjacks for breakfast. Will she be down to visit????
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To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts. __________________________ Sooner or later the sins a man commits catch up with him...
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#7
12-17-2010
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Before email, there was Xerox copy of something similar to this, that went around.
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Fortes fortuna adiuvat Born to Lose-Live to Win In my travelling heart, there's an urge to see foreign lands and alien birds, hear stories that no ones heard-Disneyland After Dark Helmets are like rubbers, you know you should wear one, but its so much better when you don't-Me. Devil made me do it the first time, 2nd time I done it on my own-Waylon Sometimes I think its a sin. When I feel like I am winning, when I am losing again-Gordon "When your time comes to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home." --Tecumseh
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#8
12-18-2010
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Hey Dan, California is warm.
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#9
12-18-2010
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A hard winter, makes you tough.
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Fortes fortuna adiuvat Born to Lose-Live to Win In my travelling heart, there's an urge to see foreign lands and alien birds, hear stories that no ones heard-Disneyland After Dark Helmets are like rubbers, you know you should wear one, but its so much better when you don't-Me. Devil made me do it the first time, 2nd time I done it on my own-Waylon Sometimes I think its a sin. When I feel like I am winning, when I am losing again-Gordon "When your time comes to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home." --Tecumseh
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#10
12-19-2010
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Quote:
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